Showing posts with label parenting. Show all posts
Showing posts with label parenting. Show all posts

1/10/2016

Feelings Behind

airplane flying in cloudful sky

Dear Mom and Dad,
I remember leaving. I was 18, and so glad to be on my own. You two were already grown. I didn't really give you any thought. As if my next steps would have any impact on you--my parents. I was about me.

Today I was at the airport. I watched Baby Bear walk away from me to get on that big metal bird to the mountains. Where he lives.

So, Mom and Dad, I have some questions. Did your heart break when I drove away? Every time? Did you wonder if I was going to be okay? Were you conflicted by your amazement of your spawn functioning without you and your worry that you couldn't protect me?

Did this ever stop? These feelings of an ever-alert, yet redundant, guard dog? Was I always your kid? Your baby, in your heart? Did you whiplash when conversing with a grownup while stuffing protective impulses back inside you before I noticed? I know you know that I would have insisted, again, that I was an adult and didn't need anything.

Did you wonder if you were doing enough? Too much? Did you worry about respecting my autonomy? Did you worry if I was paying my bills? Drinking too much? Breaking a heart? Getting my heart broken?

When I was starting out and job hopping, did you think I was making mistakes? Wonder if I was carrying health insurance? Saving for retirement? Paying my mortgage? Getting up on time for work?

Did you think that I was able to balance being a parent and breadwinner? Did you look at me looking at you in your hospital bed and think about how you being in that bed was affecting me?

I never thought about how you felt about me. Not from the point of view of a parent. Not until today. I'm sorry for not seeing this. It's crazy love.

Thanks, Mom and Dad.
xo,
Your (grown) Child



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9/07/2008

Addicted to Palin

NYTimes Comic, McCain and Palin driving a car facing backwardsOkay. I said it. It's the first step. I admit that I have a problem.

I have been thinking about Sarah Palin, reading about Sarah Palin, watching video about Sarah Palin, following convention coverage about Sarah Palin, wrestling with my feelings about Sarah Palin, and trying to figure out what I think about this polarizing newly minted political rockstar.

I can't get her out of my mind, because I am having a hard time making a decision about her and what to think about her.

There is no doubt in my mind that Sarah Palin is qualified to be Vice President.
The qualifications for the vice presidency are the same as those for the presidency. The vice president must be a native-born American of at least 35 years of age who has resided in the United States for at least 14 years. -- Encarta
This means that I, too, am qualified to be Vice President--or President for that matter.

In my obsessive reading, some folks are saying that they have alot in common with Gov. Palin, and since they do NOT think that they are qualified for the job, therefore SHE isn't qualified. Others are happy to have somebody who is "just like me," who will understand and respond to their needs. Next I find myself thinking about why I believe that Brack Obama is qualified to be President.

This gets me thinking about serendipity and timing. Before Obama became a 2008 Presidential candidate, I was wishing that he would wait until the next round. But sometimes circumstances thrust you into a position and you have to grab for the ring. It might not be presented again. And I think that I need to apply that same standard to Palin.

But what about her family?, I was thinking. How could Palin be a mother to babies, young children and teens while being Vice President?

What wrong thinking.

I always thought that I tried hard not to judge other parents and their decisions--whether mom should work or stay home, what role does dad play, is quality time better than quantity time, prudes versus permissives, milk versus ice tea? In our family the mom went back to work when the babies were 9 and 8 weeks old--and still nursed both until they were two. The dad worked part time for the first few years and did main duty. The mom took a new job that entailed alot of domestic travel 4 months before the youngest was born--and she dragged the baby from coast to coast. His first hotel was in Boston at 10 weeks. Good mom? Bad mom? Sometimes. Okay, I think Palin is a fine parent. Her kids look happy (and gorgeous!) and I bet they will survive her parenting and become productive adults. As I pray my kids will survive my own parenting.

But what does parenting have to do with being a "heartbeat away from the Presidency" anyway? Nothing. But the heartbeat away from the Presidency thing is pretty important.

So, I think that Palin is qualified enough. And I think that, as Obama has forcefully and genuinely said, her family needs to be off limits. So that leads me to where I should have been from the beginning--what do I think about her as a potential president, because that's the job she is going for?

I definitely think that she is a shrewd and formidable politician. She has worked hard and appears to spit nails and bring down the hammer on foes. Her rise to the governor's mansion in Juneau is something to be respected and admired. Politics is a tough game, and a young upstart from a small town making it to the top of the heap in Alaska is nothing to shake a stick at. Go Sarah Barracuda!

So now I am returning to her convention speech--what tells me most about who she is and what kind of president she might be, because that's all we got. And this is the source that makes me most uncomfortable about Sarah Palin, and a McCain-Palin presidency.

The speech--well delivered by a confident, accessible, smiling candidate--helped to draw a clear distinction between the choice we have in November. And it isn't about Palin, specifically, but about what her ticket stands for.

Change for them means making a U-turn and going back to the 50's. The speech was very backwards looking, to the "good ole days" of some idyllic and perhaps mythical small town America. Where people are homogeneous (but not homos), where nostalgia and the familiar trump intellectual curiosity, and where we need to run back to the cocoon rather than boldly face the challenges of health care, the environment, education and globalization.

Backwards to when diplomacy means that the U.S.A., U.S.A., U.S.A. (chant it with me like its 1980) plays nuclear games of chicken with our enemies, and globalization means that everyone oversees wants an American car and the imports from Japan are cheesy.

Where small towns are filled with honest, sincere dignified people who are somehow immune to a failing economy, the mortgage crisis, and the false prospect that cutting taxes for the wealthiest will make us all better off, even if that leaves state coffers empty without money for infrastructure projects and public safety (can you say levies?) and with gimmicks to improve education.

When the natural resources of this great planet were seen as infinite, and frontier settlers were the masters, taking whatever they wanted and moving on when the land was depleted or destroyed because it was their right. In contrast to the people already in this country that the settlers displaced. People who were stewards for the land, the water, the air, the animals and plants.

I watched Gov. Palin's speech--and within the context of the Republican Convention--felt like she saw the best times were behind us. Simpler times. Times that needed to be protected from the future.

And her reiteration of wedge issues in the guise of small town values--guns, abortion, creationism--sets up the old "us against them" no-compromise zone. I appreciated Sen. McCain talking about reaching out across differences to make changes during his acceptance speech, but he really didn't advocate anything new. And, if his running mate and others making speeches have their way (as they did with his choice for VP), his calls for pragmatic compromise to resolve tough issues will likely disappear.

I used to work in an academic environment with decisions made by "consensus." What that meant in practice was that anyone could stop an idea by crapping on it. It was a huge challenge to get anything done, make change, see things in a new way, innovate or invent. It was status quo all the time, because there was always someone who knew they could stop change and keep their fiefdoms intact.

So it's really not about Sarah Palin, who is truly a remarkable person on many levels. I don't need to think about her, although she helped me to reconcile some ideas that were vexing me.

It's about the fact that on most issues I absolutely and fundamentally disagree with Sarah Palin and her running mate. And all the distractions that have been fed up by the 24/7 news personalities and Democratic and Republican spinmeisters are just that. Distractions.

So yes, I have been thinking alot about Sarah Palin. And I think that now, I am on the road to recovery.

8/03/2008

Thinking Seems to Have Stopped

I think that I have been thinking. But I think that my thoughts have been either non-conclusive or circular.

Like the past week's political ad that had the McCain campaign trotting out blonde bimbos and somehow linking them--or at least their celebrity--to Obama. And Paris Hilton's mom didn't appreciate it.

Then there was the coverage about Ludacris's song and somehow that Obama has responsibility for the rapper's lyrics. Hunh? (Nas has a much better joint, anyway.)

Then there was the senior pictures. How did it happen that my first-born posed for his senior pictures. And he looks like a frickin' man.

He has been spending the summer at the pool, lifeguarding. The pool is about as far away from us as some of my friends in the 'burbs can imagine. He is guarding at a pool in Anacostia. Right by here.

One friend said that he would never allow his kid to go to that pool. But he has never been there. And he has not driven past the neat single family homes on those quiet streets. The kids playing with their sweet, funny, goofy pit-bulls in the park next to the pool. He probably hasn't had the chance to see the most beautiful sky in Washington, D.C. as you drive up South Capital Street along the Anacostia River. Crazy clouds lit from behind to your left and the lights from the stadium straight ahead. As you cross over the river, the stadium is on your right, and you look up ahead and there's the Capitol.

Sometimes you have to look close to see what is really there. You might need to look with your own eyes. And sometimes when you look closely, when you dig past the surface, you can really see.

3/09/2008

Friend Request

Image of part of a Facebook profile page.Every couple of weeks I send a Facebook friend request to the 16-year old. I just now sent another one.

Me: Hey, did you get my friend request?
Him: I don't know.

or

Me: I sent you another friend request.
Him: I know.

Facebook is an online networking group originally for college students, and then high-school students, to keep in touch. You create a personal page and can send out electronic "friend" requests. "Friends" can send messages, post photos and videos, and add new friends. All from the comfort of your own computer. In 2006, they opened up the floodgates and let even old geezers like me in. That's the problem.

The Post today has front page (don't ask me why) story on "When Mom or Dad Asks to Be a Facebook Friend." And kids, here is the right answer.

JUST SAY NO!

Of course, I am stalking the 16-year old to be my "friend." I'm the parent, that's what I do. But frankly, he should be able to exchange pleasantries--and not so pleasantries--with his peers. And, I AM NOT HIS PEER.

I don't want to be a peer. My role in this show is to be the parent. Part of him growing up means that I don't get to know everything. I don't need to know that there is a group "Get Guy Laid." Really, I don't need to know. And he needs a modicum of privacy.

Okay, I know why we want to know. We want to protect our kids. And wrap them in bubble wrap and keep them germ free. But I also know that that is no way to grow up. The path to adulthood is fraught with danger. That path has got to be traveled, and decisions on which turn to take have to be made by the traveler. Otherwise they can't become adults.

That's really the point of parenthood. We take our precious babes and help them to grow up and leave us behind. From a 7 pound eating-pooping machine to a 6-footer able to make good decisions when he comes home to a broken pipe in the basement. And hopefully when confronted with even harder choices, too.

We succeed when they are successfully independent. Not if they have no bruises. Not if they don't make mistakes. Not if they don't take risks.

By the time they are rejecting our Facebook friend requests, they are working from whatever we gave them. Not like we don't matter anymore, but they are applying the lessons we gave to the ever widening world they live in in high school and in college. We don't need to spy. There are other ways to know your kid.

So yes, I will continue to bug the 16-year old about being my friend. He has 289 to my paltry 19. But I don't need him to be my friend. He is already my son.

And good for me that he doesn't read this. Otherwise, he would never take me seriously.

9/19/2007

Toxic

Loathe as I am to defend the Miserable Ms. Spears recently as a performer, folks need to lay off her and her mothering.

This isn't to say that Britney is a "good" mom. But who is? Reading and hearing (non-stop) the accusations, I kept waiting for the awful surprise. Turns out that the kids may "have poor dental hygiene and bad eating and sleeping habits." That Britney used Whitestrips on the babies--DUMB--and sometimes is naked in front of them. And the awful part--the reason we should take her kids away is...is...is???

Now, don't think that I approve of all the bad stuff that Brit is doing--but I don't approve of lots of things that other parents do. Like putting ice tea in the baby's bottle. Like taking their 3 and 4 year-olds to R-rated movies (and sitting in front of me!). Like spanking their kids. Like teaching them that evolution is a theory or that Reagan was a great president.

I am thankful that nobody ever saw me the day after my sister-in-laws wedding when I was hung over and my kids saw. Or when I turned my back for a minute and there was a baby in the middle of the dining room table, lapping up the butter in the dish. Or when we let the family dog return after biting the then six-year-old. Or when we were in the pool and the lifeguard jumped right in front of us in the pool to save our 4-year-old who got in over his head. Or the time(s) that they heard me curse.

From what I have heard, Britney's actions to date--like ice tea in the bottle and Cheetos for breakfast--are not the things that you lose custody for. Part of being a parent is learning on the job, and the judge has sentenced her to that.

Sometimes I think that outside of her million$$, there but by the grace of God go I.

The millions of dollars thing, though, does make me relate to her a bit less.

8/21/2005

ADD and Kids

I think that I might be borderline ADD. I present many of the behaviors. I have been very lucky to have professionally partnered with people who have balanced my mile-a-minute idea factory with their more structured (read SANER) approaches. This combo has allowed projects to be successfully completed. Completed! Us borderline ADD's don't really care about the completion part, but my boss sure does.

For those who know the Myers-Briggs or the Kiersey temperament Sorter, I am ENTP, and when you look at the traits, you can see why I am borderline ADD. My personality type is clever, but bores easily and has more fun coming up with the solution than actually implementing it. I hate work in cycles--once I have been through the cycle I don't need to do it again! So it's on to the next idea, next project, next fun. Oh, and I love a good debate and don't mean to hurt your feelings as I shred your argument. I might even agree with you, but the fight's the thing.

Oddly, the popular coping mechanism for ADD folks is to create a grid, label it with chunks of time, then fill in the chunks with tasks. They call it time management [Warning, this link is a PDF]. Then all I have to do is complete the work as presented in the grid. Now WHO THE HELL THINKS I CAN DO THAT? Here is what really happens.
  1. I am VERY excited researching and learning about this technique

  2. Day one, I create the grid

  3. Day one, I follow the model and complete many tasks

  4. Day two, I make the grid, but don't fill it all the way in

  5. Day two, I do some of the items, but also a few things not on the list

  6. Day three, I am so bored with this technique. I did this damn thing already.

  7. I toss this process aside and go back to my normal scramble.
What are those psychologists thinking? The whole point is I don't like (hate!) doing rote things, so the solution is to do rote things? Sigh. What was it Einstein said about insanity?

I think that the best "job" for us ADD folks is to be parents. Being a parent means being in constant flux. As soon as you think you know what your kid is up to, they enter a new "phase" and all bets are off. New things to figure out for the ADD-addled. Then you go really crazy and add a second child to the mix. You find out that this one is wired totally differently. You can jump back and forth between the friends, problems, activities, joys of two (or more?) of your homegrown issue-generators.

Like my kids are far from opposites, but they perceive and react to the world according to their own personalities. It's just like they were people! [uh, don't take that wrong kids. It was a little funny, wasn't it? Was I being insensitive again?]